FCS Blog

One day early in my marriage, I said something to my beautiful, loving, understanding wife that
I thought was pretty innocent. Her reaction to my comment was not what I expected. She took
it in a negative way while I meant it as a positive comment. After we had a chance to discuss
this, we came up with a new communication rule in our relationship: If a comment can be
taken one of two ways, we should always assume that the other person meant it in a positive
way. That rule has served us well over the years. It is something that I have tried to carry over
into other relationships.
Recently, I was reading an email from a leadership and relationship expert that was talking
about this. The main idea of this email was that as a listener, we need to make the distinction
between 1) what is being said and 2) how we are interpreting what is being said.
What is being said can be misunderstood. That can be from the words that one person uses
that may have more than one meaning or the person is using words that the other does not
know the meaning of. This can cause confusion, and where there is confusion, there is the
potential for offense.
We are often quick to judge what was said. We interpret what the person saying the words
means through the lens we use to see. If you are having a difficult day, you are more likely to
interpret things in a more negative way. Depending on the relationship you have with the
speaker, you are going to be more likely to interpret what they say in a more positive or
negative light.
Sometimes it is not necessarily what is said, but how it is said. The tone of voice can change the
whole meaning of the words. If a message is said sarcastically, it has a completely different
message than if it is said in a conversational tone or yelling it. Body language also plays a bit of

a part in face-to-face communication. The experts say that anywhere from 55-93% of face-to-
face communication is nonverbal. Be careful what message you are presenting with the way

you are standing, the positioning of your hands and arms, and your facial expressions. Much
can be said without speaking.

Speaking is not the only form of communication that we use. Much of today’s communication is written word such as
emails and texts. This is a perfect time to believe the best intention of the speaker/writer. Intent can be difficult to
determine at these times. All you have to determine the intentions of the writer are the words on the page. It is very
easy to bring your own thoughts or experiences to the message even if they were not intended by the writer. This may
be a good time to respond with some clarifying questions.
If you have had an experience where there is a misunderstanding, the author of the leadership email mentioned that
it may be worthwhile to think about what you can learn from times of misunderstanding. “If you assume that this is
happening for you rather than to you, then you can use this as an opportunity to level up and grow...Each obstacle is
an opportunity to strengthen my character and improve my skills, including my mindset.”
When you do have the opportunity to try to make things right, make sure to do it with the right attitude. If you
confront the other person while you are upset or accusing them of something, your results may not be what you are
hoping for. Go into the conversation with the intention of allowing the other person to clarify what was said. Often, it is
just a misunderstanding that can be easily cleared up without any hurt feelings moving forward.
James 1:2-3 says, “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you
know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.” We need to learn from these communication tests, but
we can grow from them and become a better communicator and person because of them.
Question: Where can you assume positive intent when it would be easy to assume negative intent?

Some ideas taken from Full Focus email dated 5 April 2024